Every morning in my e-mail inbox, I have a “digest” that I get from a local list-serve. The little newsletter that comes into my inbox has usually a half-dozen “request for suggestions and advice” from mothers who are dealing with parenting issues. While I’m tempted to respond to each and every one, I don’t. I figure that my going off into the world like a big ‘ole know-it-all is probably not the best Karma to be generating. Besides, so many of those pleas for advice are really coming from a place where the mother wants to know if her child’s behavior is “normal.”
For example, one recent plea concerned a three-year-old child who was getting into all the cupboards and opening the refrigerator to pour herself juice, making messes with her attempts at independence, etc. Now the young mother was at her wits end thinking this was unnatural, that the child was being purposefully defiant, and that her parenting skills were lacking on trial. Now those of us who’ve been there a time or two know that this is typical three-year-old independence and it’s actually a GOOD thing. Put locks on the cupboards you don’t want the child to get in, put the juice in a container that makes it easier for the child to pour, put anything else away or up high (“a pie” as my son used to call it since I said it so often, as in, “If you can’t play with this nicely, it’s going to go up high.”) Inquisitiveness and independence are normal three-year-old behaviors.
I still do the same thing with my older kids–wondering if their recent bouts of weird behavior is brought on by hormones or some undiagnosed psychiatric disorder. Are they going to be at the top of a tower with a massive weapon and it will all be my fault? With so much focus in our society on the strange and unusual, we parents can’t help but wonder if we’re doing things right. How many times have we seen the television report where the family living next door to the axe-murderers claims that “They always seemed like nice folks to me–a little quiet, but they SEEMED normal?”
I think worrying about what is normal seems to be a Western parent’s plight, but I’d sure like to see a lot less of it. My heart goes out to each and every one of those young mothers who wonder if their child is sleeping too much or too little, when it is “normal” to offer solid foods, whether phases of obstinacy, potty-mouths, and negativity are normal or cause for concern. Relax, most of it is normal, and–even when it’s not normal–it doesn’t always have to be a “BAD” thing. Of course, I’m currently wondering if my fourteen-year-old son has been possessed by some chauvinistic snarly demons and whether a team of therapists or wilderness camp might be in order…
See Also: Learning to Trust Our Instincts