Over the years, a number of our single friends have drifted away. They have either found other singles to hang out with or entered into relationships of their own. One way or another, our shared interests dissipated.
About two years into our marriage, my husband and I shared a uniquely similar experience although with vastly different commentary from our single friends. It was about this time that we bought and started carrying cell phones on a regular basis.
We’d long since developed the habits of checking in with each other periodically over the course of the day, but here is what happened that triggered our similar event. My husband called me to say that he and a friend of ours were talking about going to see a movie. We’d previously discussed the movie and he knew I had no interest in seeing it. He asked if I minded and was it okay for him to go with our friend.
I mentally reviewed our schedules in my head, making sure neither of us were overlooking something and then told him I didn’t mind. I thanked him for asking me and told him I’d see him later. He said thanks for not minding and promised to call when he was on his way home. Now here is where our shared experience is similar.
On my side of the phone call, I was sitting with a friend having coffee. She thought it was delightful that we were so domestic. We actually checked our schedules with each other. I told her, of course we did, we were both pretty busy but it would be rude to make serious plans and take off without letting the other one know. She found the domesticity in both of us very cute.
On his end of the phone call, our friend he was going to see the movie with was giving him an oddly askance expression. When my husband asked him what was wrong, he shrugged it off. Thirty minutes later, while they were sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start – something was still obviously bugging our friend. My husband asked him to spit it out or let it go since whatever was distracting him would likely continue to do so through the movie.
Finally, he said, “I didn’t realize you’d need to check in with Mom. It’s kind of ridiculous, you know? I mean you’re a grown man.”
My husband said he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or get mad. He decided to laugh. He told him that I wasn’t his mother, I was his wife and showing respect was hardly ridiculous. Our friend sallied back that the sad thing about the domesticated male was the ball and chain he tied around his unmentionables.
As you can imagine, the conversation went south from there. My husband sat through the movie, but our friend and he never went out again. He was pretty annoyed about it and he came home to complain to me about it. I was offended on his behalf. A lot of our mutual friends knew us both when we were single. They remembered our spontaneity, but until we were married – they never really noticed that we communicated as often as we did.
Checking in with each other before making alternative plans was hardly new. But to them – it made all the difference in the world. It defined our ‘marriage’ and ‘domesticity.’ To them, we were either cute or doomed.
Frankly, I think we were just a couple!