No matter how in love you are, no matter how determined you are never to fight, no matter how much he makes your heart go pitty-pat or she makes you forget how to breathe, the day will come when you have your first fight. There’s really nothing you can do to prevent it. Something will come up, you’ll have a difference of opinion, and before you know it … your blissful marriage has come to an end.
True? No.
Yes, you’ll have a fight eventually, but it’s not the end of your bliss. In fact, if you handle it maturely, it can strengthen your marriage in the long run.
A fight doesn’t have to be angry. You can make a determined effort to keep it on discussion level without allowing it to escalate into something larger. But it does take exactly that—determined effort—because it’s hard, especially if he’s just really annoying you. Use feeling words that don’t accuse. For instance, “I feel we should do it this way,” rather than, “You big dope! I told you that was the wrong way.”
But what if it does turn ugly? What if you do say things that are mean and hurtful?
Contrary to the old stupid saying, love doesn’t mean never having to say you’re sorry. Love means that you’ll say it, and that you’ll mean it, and that you’ll do whatever it takes to show your spouse that you really are sorry. There should be much kissing and making up going on. Then, after tempers have cooled off and you’re no longer in the heat of the moment, you can calmly and reasonably discuss why the argument became so heated. Maybe he’s feeling as though she’s trying to take over. Maybe she perceives that he doesn’t think she’s smart enough to come up with a solution. See if you can reach down inside yourself to determine why the topic was such a hot button for you—arguments are rarely just about the thing you’re fighting over—and share those feelings with your spouse. Again, not in a finger-pointing way, but in an attitude of problem solving. Then, when you feel that way again, you can say to him, “Honey, remember how I shared with you that I feel insecure when we run out of money? I’m having those insecurity issues again. Let’s talk about how we can fix this.”
Sooner or later, you will have your first fight. But how you deal with it will determine how often you fight, how ugly it gets, how resentful you both become, and how much therapy you’ll need down the road. Well, okay, just kidding about the therapy, but it’s true—you can make a conscious effort to keep things from spiraling out of control, and that effort will make your overall marriage stronger.
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Loving and Lasting Marriage Secrets